19.3.17

I'm...not okey

My mind has been in bad state. So bad, that now I'm going to a therapist, a psicologist, a professional. Not by Social Segurity here in Spain, but private because I can't stand it anymore.
I have been diagnosed with deep depression, a depression that has been worsened by a fight with one I thought was my dearest friend, and now I don't have the strenght to do almost nothing. 

I've been blaming myself for something it was not really my fault, but I did it because I have a disease of the mind: anxiety. And was induced for many reasons, but the worst was the fear to lose someone for saying how I felt about something they did. 
I exploded, I broke up, because I could'nt stand this situation anymore. I was so angry because no one understood me, and even when I felt guilty, they did and said things that hurt me even more to the point my mother and brother didn't know what to do for me.

Then, one of the days after I said goodbye, or at least I tried with a "friend" in common, I heard that they said really bad things about me before this fight. That broke me again, but the hate boiled up again, and I started to think "I can't be sad for you anymore, you aren't worth it, I did nothing bad even If you want to see it that way. Yes, I was angry, but I had reasons to be angry. I felt guilty enough and said I was sorry about my anxiety, you don't deserve my pain." And with this I took the strenght to go to a psicologist and try to do new characters, start a comic, a new story to be busy.

He told me it was not only my fault what happened, because there where so many things that took us in this shit. Not talking about it, denying always what was they're fault. Acting like two different persons, bipolar and changing always they're mind about me or the things we did together. And also, my anxiety and my negativity did it worst, because I have to change my own way of thinking always the worst of a situation... but that was generated because all the bad things that happened in the past. It was my fault because I have this disease, but I was not the only one doing it wrong. They made me feel guilty about drawing, about doing things together, about wanting to be close. I depended to much on they, but I didn't do it to hurt anyone, I was sad and having the worst years of my life, and they made me feel happy sometimes, because I loved they so much and to do things together made me feel useful, loved.

So I couldn't stand it, and I broke trying to make them understand that I was afraid of they're behavior, that I wanted they're trust too, only that. No more drawings, no more gifts, only the trust to do something together and talk about the really important things that were important for us.

Right now I'm so sad that this is all I can do. Even If I want to rely on the hate I feel I still feel sad because I feel love. When I remember this stupid things they did that always hurt because of they're ego, when I remember they said bad things about me before this and so when I tried to change but they didn't want to... and the way of feeling guilty because I am stupid and let the disease control me, because I don't want to be this emotional but I cant do nothing about it... Because I didn't have the strenght to be far away and not go back to this when I felt It was no good for us but I still wanted to. And because I'm sorry for things that hurt they that I said too... Because yeah, I did things that hurt too. 

I can't draw and be inspired and do almost nothing. Just wanted you to know, that I always write what I feel... because I need someone to read me and understand me, when I talk to myself or not, this is a way to feel at least better. Because If I didn't do this, I would have become a different girl, a person who refuses people to be close so this way she wouldn't be hurt anymore because of them. ¿Do you understand it? ¿Can you understand its only a way of taking the emotions outside of your chest? When you are angry, when you are sad, when you can't anymore, when nobody wants to talk about it or wants to hear it...or more when you don't want to go to a person to do it? 

Its ok if you dont do it and if you dont like to do it, but don't think that is always related to a final ending or something bad. 

I don't know what I'm saying anymore. I'm sorry and thank you if you read all this... because I don't know when I'll be healed.


Goodbye.